I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
