textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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