Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
