Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Randomize
