Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
