i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Randomize
