The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
