you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
