Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Randomize
