So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Randomize
