I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Randomize
