i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
apparently the secret to your success is patron
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Randomize
