I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
