I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
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