i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
