Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Randomize
