Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
