It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Randomize
