Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
So gin and wine won't be happening again
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Randomize
