After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Randomize
