just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
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