I CAN MOONWALK!
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
