I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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