so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
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