bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
