You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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