Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Randomize
