look no pants
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
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