I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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