you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
