this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
