You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
