why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Randomize
