If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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