made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
