i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Randomize
