Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize
