So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
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