I just saw a hot homeless man
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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