Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
