If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
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