Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Randomize
