She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
what day is it and did you see me today?
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
You're a waste of cheezeits
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
