Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Please don't give away my fajitas
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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