First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
It's never too late to be topless.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
