i already hear my dad disowning me
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
