My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
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