then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
Randomize
