Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
