Reggie can tackle my bush.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
